5 French Mistakes That Explain Why Frenchmen Hate You
I hate to admit it, but the very first Frenchman I met ended up thinking that I lacked manners. He seemed disappointed every time I opened my mouth, and it wasn't my inability to speak proper French that bothered him. It was my ignorance of French social codes that made our encounters more frustrating day by day.
I never thought I was doing something wrong. (Well, maybe I messed up some conjunctions, omitted subjunctives here and there, and committed a number of other typical French mistakes). But in reality, I probably made every possible faux pas that a French learner can stumble upon in a conversation with a native Frenchman.
And I would have remained the most tactless interlocutor in the French world if I had never come across one book. It was The Bonjour Effect. The Bonjour Effect. This book opened my eyes to the subtle cultural differences that I had no idea existed. It also helped me fix my relationship with that Frenchman (who, by the way, was my French professor).
Here are five major things I learned.
#1 Never ever rush through the Bonjour Exchange
Ohhh, the Bonjour.
Out of all the French mistakes you can make, this is a grave one. Grave, because if, God forbid, you ever skip saying "bonjour" or say it the wrong way, you die in the eyes of your interlocutor.
For the French, the "Bonjour Exchange" is primordial. As Julie and Jean-Benoit, the authors of The Bonjour Effect, remarked, "If you don't say bonjour, you don't exist." And as I realized from my own painful experience, it is very, very true.
In France, one often says, "c'est si simple comme bonjour." It means "nothing can be easier." Such a metaphor already alludes to the fact that the French consider bonjour simple, automatic, and habitual, like brushing your teeth after breakfast. However, if only things were as simple as Frenchmen like to think!
First of all, no matter how automatic your bonjour is, it still has to sound like a sincere and respectful greeting. In other words, you have to mean it. Moreover, saying bonjour in the first place doesn't give you the right to continue. You have to hear a bonjour in return. And this is probably the most frustrating part for North Americans who prefer to cut to the chase with the usual "Hi, can I get...?"
One of my professors, who grew up in France but now lives in Canada, also slipped on this notorious bonjour upon her return to France for Christmas. She was careless enough to address a cashier without waiting for him to reply with his bonjour. This was their dialogue:
Bonjour, monsieur, où pourrais-je trouver…
- Bonjou-u-u-ur, Madame.
This "Bonjour, Madame" of course sounded like a mockery. Because it meant only one thing: that my professor had to start her speech over.
Don't expect natives to be forgiving of these French mistakes. Say bonjour first.
#2. Don't ask the names of perfect strangers
What could be wrong with asking someone's name, you might think? It is quite natural to throw in a casual "Hey, what's your name?" after exchanging a few phrases with a stranger, right?
However, if you're dealing with a Frenchman, this innocent question may be perceived as an interrogation. And there's a deep-rooted cultural reason behind it.
Julie and Jean-Benoit explain this French peculiarity in terms of "bubbles" or social spheres. There are different levels of social relationships that entail different levels of interaction. The "public sphere" is open to anyone with whom a person wishes to communicate. The "personal bubble" is more restricted. And the "intimate sphere" includes only the closest friends and family. It sounds pretty universal, right? But don't be misled. One of the biggest mistakes French learners make is thinking that these "bubbles" work similarly in different cultures.
The French won't discuss personal matters with a stranger. They won't share their life story. They also won't reveal their name. Names are attributes of the personal bubble; they are not for use in public. That's why, for the French, it's very normal to exchange views about the world and depart without getting to know "comment vous vous appelez."
And I actually find it very appealing. Tell me, how many times have you forgotten someone's name after a brief introduction and then felt awkward for the rest of the conversation? If everybody behaved like the French, we would be a much happier society.
#3. Find the balance between tutoiement and vouvoiement
French "vous" is another element of that ubiquitous Social Code that can barely be explained in words. It's a nightmare that will never let you go. The good news is that you are not alone here: this tu/vous distinction is a source of headache even for natives themselves.
Language schools typically teach students to play it safe and use "vous" as a default option. It's a good habit, which, nevertheless, doesn't protect you from slipping into this typical French learner mistake.
I've seen a lot of immersion students here in Canada addressing me with "vous," despite us being of the same age and taking the same courses. It has driven me crazy. As a speaker of Russian (which also has the tu/vous distinction), I can't help but perceive this "vouvoiement" as an attempt to create distance and restrain a relationship.
The same holds true for French. "Vous" is indeed a way to mark distance. It can be a distance in age and rank or, worse, a perceived distance in age and rank. It is a way to show respect and formality (if not solemnity), which is, again, used mainly in the public sphere.
"Tu" is a more relaxed form. However, it means more than simple familiarity or equality between two people. Rather, it is a way to encode common membership. So, for example, graduates of the same university, despite their difference in age, would still use "tu" with each other simply because they share an alma mater.
And if it caught you by surprise, you are not alone. Clearly, each language seasons its "tu" and "vous" with something special (just to see you suffer).
#4 Don't go prying about their family, work, and money
"So, what do you do?" is typically among the first few questions that North Americans pose to new acquaintances. But it's probably among the last topics you want to discuss with a recently met Frenchman.
Remember the social "bubbles"? Well, topics such as family, work, and money would, again, be part of the personal rather than the public sphere. As Julie and Jean-Benoit discovered during years spent in France, broaching such subjects inevitably puts an end to a discussion. However, if Frenchmen themselves start telling you about their work and family, it is a good sign. It means that they are offering you their friendship.
But until then, what do you talk about?
Well, take a lesson from the French themselves. Discuss ideas, show off your wit, or even argue. As yet another French professor pointed out to me, the French are probably the only nation who argues just for the sake of debate.
#5. Don't take a "non" for an answer
"No" usually means no. The message is clear: the conversation is over.
But not in France.
In France, it is a camouflaged "oui." Taking this "non" as a definitive answer is one of the biggest mistakes French learners make. If you stick to this habit, you won't get far in France. Actually, you won't get anywhere at all.
Instead, it's almost always worth trying to negotiate. As long as you keep talking and present interesting arguments, there is a chance to turn this "non" into a "oui." The more eloquent you are, the higher your chance of winning the battle. This point is beautifully developed in Le Brio andd other French movies. What else can you expect from people who won't acknowledge you until you open your mouth?
For a Frenchman, agreement is a stalemate. Conversations don't start with an agreement, and they don't end with one either. The point of a French conversation is to be interesting. And that's what you want to stick to at all costs.
How to avoid these and other French mistakes?
I think the best part of learning a language is that you can see the country’s culture through the language. And it gives you different levels of understanding of that culture when you really try to dig in and learn it.
—Mark Lippert
For me, learning a language doesn't end with knowing how to speak it. Learning the culture that expresses itself by means of this language is a more appropriate goal. There is no point in learning French if every conversation with a native speaker leaves you with an array of negative feelings.
I bought The Bonjour Effect out of sheer curiosity, but it became my survival "How-To-Deal-With-The-French" guide. This book didn't magically fix my French mistakes and faux pas. But after reading it, I began to understand this culture way better. Often, I could actually relate to what Frenchmen were saying about themselves and their own country. I also started saying "bonjour" (that's indeed a big step forward).
French conversation can be an unforgettable experience. But, as I learned, it's also something you want to be prepared for. So if you're a learner of French, a fan of French culture, or just a free soul heading to Paris next week, reading this book can be one of the best decisions you ever made.
